HDC-9Y8oY1Y7WCkZpeBb9EhB0Lc Yeah, Really.

A Divine Comedy

Two days ago a neighbor told me that I had a leak in my backyard. Upon further inspection, it was in fact a geyser of sewage coming from my two and a half baths. I can’t begin to tell you how disgusting the muck was. And there was a lot of it.

I called a plumber the next day, and he and another plumber came right over. They looked over the situation and informed me that it was probably my septic tank, and that it probably needed to be replaced. Once I realized I was looking at a repair that could cost me up to ten grand, I went pale. The plumber, even in his position of power, put his hand on my shoulder and said don’t worry, they’ll be back in the morning to get a better idea of what we were looking at. I think he actually felt empathetic.

This morning at 7:00 AM I awoke to the sound of construction. I looked out of my back window and saw an excavator, three workmen, and another truck digging up my yard. I went out back and spoke to the plumber, who showed me what they were doing.

As it turns out, my septic tank, while old, was not the problem. My out of pocket expense for this unexpected home repair was pricey, but not as pricey as it could have been.

You know, sometimes God looks down and smiles upon me.

Other times, He looks down and smirks upon me.

It’s all good.

A good scratch and stretch always makes Oliver happy.

A good scratch and stretch always makes Oliver happy.

Tags: cats

Splitting Hairs

As I’ve been told before, and something I freely admit to, I’m metro. I’m a totally heterosexual man who takes the manscaping very seriously. I get manicures, and when the mood strikes me, pedicures. I wear cologne every day. I trim my beard and shave every other day. I shower often and am generally clean and nice smelling. And I don’t go to barbers. I go to a stylist.

Granted, there’s not much to work with. My luxurious black hair began to slowly thin at 24. it wasn’t until 30 or so that I began to accept it (I’m also a tad vain). Family genetics indicate I’ll never go totally bald, but nevertheless, my forehead will slowly continue to claim more and more cranial real estate. It is what it is.

Given that I don’t have much of it, I’m still pretty fussy about my hair. It may be thin, but it’s also still prone to shitty haircuts. I had a stylist I went to, but she’s gone. So about a month ago I got a haircut by a woman around my age. She was chatty and fun to talk to, but most of all she made my hair look great. I told her so and I tipped her well. She gave me her business card. I was psyched to find someone who gets my hair.

Yesterday I needed a haircut. I then remembered that she gave me her business card. While in the car, I called her. I dialed the number. It rang. “Hello?” she replied. I was a bit confused because I expected to hear “Thank you for calling C&C Salon, how may I help you?” Apparently she had given me her personal cell number. Stammering, I said, hi, my name is Patrick, you cut my hair about a month ago.. to which she cut me off “Yes! You have the beard and the neck surgery, right?” surprised, and a bit complimented that she remembered me, I said yes, and asked her if she could cut my hair. She then told me the story of how she left the salon due to “drama”, was at another salon, then left that one, etc. I told her I was sorry for her troubles, and thanked her for her time. She then asked me where I was. I told her I was on Rt.9.

"Really? come to my house! I’ll cut your hair! I’ll open a bottle of wine and we can hang out! It’s just me here today!"

Oh. Right.

As I was proofreading the “Dear Penthouse Forum, you wouldn’t believe what happened to me this afternoon..!” letter I had just crafted in the millisecond after she said that, I actually felt.. creeped out. I didn’t want any part of this for many reasons, mainly that I’m simply not available. I politely declined, bade her farewell and drove straight to the nearest Supercuts. 

Besides, in my younger days I dated a girl who was attending a beauty school. But that’s another story. 

So anyway, my hair looks pretty good.

It’s SST. 
Here is a picture of a dick.

It’s SST.
Here is a picture of a dick.

Tags: sst

Pepperidge Farm remembers…

I had to run to a Best Buy today. So my son and I jumped in the car and drove in a horrific rainstorm because I have no patience and neither rain, wind nor snow will stop me from getting what I want RIGHT NOW, DAMMIT.

Anyway, while we were in the store I told my son that I needed to use the restroom. I walked to the back of the store and entered the hallway that contains the restrooms.

In that hallway I saw a wet, exasperated mother surrounded by four equally as wet and exasperated young boys who obviously just got to the store. They were all telling mom that they had to go pee. The mother, clearly a bit overwhelmed asked her kids how badly they needed to go, could they wait until they got home, etc. They were all about that age that makes them to young to be out of moms sight, but too old to use the women’s room. The look on her face was both of concern for the boys to go alone, and of having the group of them goof around in there and tear the place up.

As I watched this, the first thought in my mind was too tell the mom “don’t worry, I got this”, and take the group of boys into the restroom to make sure they do their business and behave. It’s the fatherly instinct in me I suppose, but it’s also from the memory of having small kids who make you worry about everything.

But I didn’t. Because while I know what my intentions were, I completely understand how creepy I would have looked. In this day and age, any man who offers to take your kid to the bathroom for you is looked upon with deep suspicion. Rightly so, I suppose. It’s just so sad that, while the world is advancing by leaps and bounds, it’s also becoming a dark suspicious place; a place in where even the most innocent of gestures can result in strange looks and even jail time. If this had happened years ago, maybe when my son was a small boy and I was holding his hand, she may have let me keep an eye on her sons. But now my son is a teenager and I no longer have to hold his hand. 

In the end I went in, peed, washed my hands and left. They were all still in the hallway when I left, only now two of them were doing the pee pee dance. I felt bad for her. I felt bad for them.

But mostly I felt bad that as an experienced parent who has raised two boys and a girl from babies to teens, that some innocent gestures of help are viewed as weird, sick and even criminal.

I hope they didn’t pee themselves. Because from the looks of it, that would have been all she needed on top of everything else. 

whatshewanted:

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Fanatical Friday
I’m a curious person, so when I try something new I tend to dive in headfirst and consume every bit of knowledge about it, different variations, technical details, etc.
I’ve posted before about my switch from smoking to vaping. I can safely say at this point that I am 100% off of cigarettes. One of the cool things about vaping is the variety of flavors available, as well as the variety of nicotine strength. While I still get my nic fix, my next step is to go completely nicotine free and vape strictly for the flavor.
As you can see, I’ve been experimenting with many different flavors. Fan favorites so far are french Vanilla, Vanilla custard and Vanilla waffle cone (I really dig vanilla). I’m just about to fill my tank with Banana. Other flavors shown here are Coffee, Belgian Chocolate, Apple, Cherry, and Snickerdoodle. (surprisingly, that one is just meh). There’s even one here that tastes like a normal Marlboro light.
Not surprisingly, I already have my eyes on my next mod. Hobby? Habit? Lifestyle? who knows. 
All I know is that I don’t smoke cigarettes anymore. And that is a good thing.

Fanatical Friday

I’m a curious person, so when I try something new I tend to dive in headfirst and consume every bit of knowledge about it, different variations, technical details, etc.

I’ve posted before about my switch from smoking to vaping. I can safely say at this point that I am 100% off of cigarettes. One of the cool things about vaping is the variety of flavors available, as well as the variety of nicotine strength. While I still get my nic fix, my next step is to go completely nicotine free and vape strictly for the flavor.

As you can see, I’ve been experimenting with many different flavors. Fan favorites so far are french Vanilla, Vanilla custard and Vanilla waffle cone (I really dig vanilla). I’m just about to fill my tank with Banana. Other flavors shown here are Coffee, Belgian Chocolate, Apple, Cherry, and Snickerdoodle. (surprisingly, that one is just meh). There’s even one here that tastes like a normal Marlboro light.

Not surprisingly, I already have my eyes on my next mod. Hobby? Habit? Lifestyle? who knows. 

All I know is that I don’t smoke cigarettes anymore. And that is a good thing.

Tags: vaping ecigs

Deep in thought. 
Thinking is sexy.

Deep in thought.
Thinking is sexy.

Tags: sst

See that fish? that’s Nellie.
Since I hurt my arm i’ve been chilling in my recliner with my arm splinted, just resting it. And she’s been keeping me company. I think.
I feel bad because the tanks a mess and I have not been been able to clean it.
She usually swims around the tank, but these days she just sits on the side of the tank that faces me and just.. stares. At me.
I don’t know if it’s out of love or hate. But it’s freaking me the fuck out.
I’d feel strangely better if my sharks were staring me down, because I know what they’re all about.
But Nellie? 
*shudder*

See that fish? that’s Nellie.

Since I hurt my arm i’ve been chilling in my recliner with my arm splinted, just resting it. And she’s been keeping me company. I think.

I feel bad because the tanks a mess and I have not been been able to clean it.

She usually swims around the tank, but these days she just sits on the side of the tank that faces me and just.. stares. At me.

I don’t know if it’s out of love or hate. But it’s freaking me the fuck out.

I’d feel strangely better if my sharks were staring me down, because I know what they’re all about.

But Nellie? 

*shudder*

Tags: fish

FUCKING OUCH.

FUCKING OUCH.

Tags: ouch