I got an Ello invite today. I think that means I can send invites. Any takers?
On Friday of last week I worked late, then jumped on the subway. It was after rush hour, so it wasn’t as packed as it normally is. I was able to make a bee line to my favorite spot, against the opposing door. Right before the doors closed, a man snuck in and ended up standing right across from me. And with that, the train startled to motion.
This guy. He was very obviously gay, and.. Jesus Christ, was he a handsome, well put together dude. He was skinny, a little shorter than me. He wore a hip, stylish haircut which was perfect. Symmetrical face with a perfectly trimmed beard. He wore hip clothes, with perfectly fitting jeans that were rolled up just high enough to show off his perfectly matching shoes.
I am confident enough in my manhood and heterosexuality to say that this fucking guy was smoking hot.
I couldn’t help but stare. Not because I was sexually attracted to him, but man, he was really well put together. I like it when women accessorize well, and this guy’s bag matched his pants. His shoes matched his belt. His fucking perfect hair matched his perfect beard. I was admiring his fashion sense and his obvious keen eye for detail.
As I’m looking at him, he looks up and catches my eye. I was startled a bit as he caught me. And then, this perfectly put together good looking specimen of a man smirks at me and looks away. That smirk. The one that says “Not in your life, Mister”.
I was horrified. I wanted to scream “No Dude, I wasn’t hitting on you! I was just admiring your care in your appearance! getting tips even! I don’t want to sleep with you!!”
But I didn’t. After I was caught staring, I was horrified, then surprised, then amused, and then pissed! Seriously, who the fuck do you think you are? better than me? just because you’re good looking? well fuck you, buddy, hear me? FUCK YOU!
I’m usually flattered when a gay dude hits on me. No biggie. Now I realized that no matter what sex blows you off, it still sucks.
He could do a lot worse.
I am the Knight
A play in one act
by Patrick Varas
- Batman: Christian Bale
- The Joker: Ceasar Romero
- Miss Gotham City: Judy Tyler, Playboy’s Playmate of the Month for January 1966
- Henchman 1: (uncredited)
- Henchman 2: (uncredited)
- Henchman 3: (uncredited)
- Henchman 4: (uncredited)
The inside of an abandoned warehouse. Boxes are strewn about the room, which also contains a desk surrounded by four chairs. There is a jail cell in the middle of the room. A woman is sitting in a chair in the middle of the cell with her hands tied in her lap. The room is brightly lit and colorful. The Joker, who has green hair, white makeup and red lipstick, is standing next to the desk in a red tuxedo. He is surrounded by four henchman, all wearing black pants, black and white striped shirts with suspenders.
MISS GOTHAM CITY: You’ll never get away with this you fiend! Batman will come and save me!
JOKER: Woo-haahaha! but I am counting on that my dear! You see, when the Caped Crusader walks through that door he will be walking right in to my trap, and soon he will be taking your place in that chair! You are the bait to my trap, my pretty little pageant winner! Woo-hahaha!
MISS GOTHAM CITY: But I was supposed to open the new Gotham Laundromat today!
JOKER: The only laundry you’ll be doing today is cleaning Batman’s clock! Woo-hahaha!
HENCHMAN 1: HA! HA! HA!
HENCHMAN 2: HA! HA! HA!
HENCHMAN 3: HA! HA! HA!
HENCHMAN 4: HA! HA! HA!
A DOOR BURSTS OPEN. IN WALKS BATMAN IN FULL BODY ARMOR
JOKER: Ah! Right on time bat- *JOKER TAKES A LONG LOOK AT
BATMAN* -err, man.
BATMAN: *GROWLING* Did you think you could get away with this, Joker?
JOKER: *STARES AT BATMAN WITH A PUZZLED LOOK* Well, err Yes! Woo-hahah! I knew that you could not resist the charms of our lovely Miss Gotham! Say, have you been working out?
BATMAN: *GROWLING* Give me the girl, Joker.
JOKER: You want her! Go get her! Woo-hahah! (SHOUTING) Get him, my clowns! Woo-hahah!
ALL FOUR HENCHMEN CHARGE BATMAN. BATMAN SPRINGS TO ACTION, TAKING OUT HENCHMEN 2 WITH A PUNCH IN THE FACE, CAUSING BLOOD TO SHOOT OUT OF HIS NEWLY CRUSHED NOSE. HENCHMEN 1 GRABS A CHAIR AND BREAKS IT OVER BATMAN’S BACK. BATMAN TURNS AND KICKS HIM IN THE GROIN, IMMEDIATELY DOUBLING HIM OVER IN AGONY. HENCHMAN 3 THROWS A PUNCH WHICH BATMAN EASILY DUCKS, THEN PUNCHES HIM REPEATEDLY IN THE FACE, EACH ONE CAUSING AN AUDIBLE CRUNCHING NOISE, UNTIL HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR A BLOODY MESS. HENCHMAN 4 RUNS AWAY. BATMAN GIVES CHASE, CATCHES HIM AND PUNCHES HIM IN THE STOMACH, CAUSING HIM TO BEND OVER. WHILE BENT OVER, BATMAN KNEES HIM TO THE FACE, CAUSING THE HENCHMAN’S TEETH TO FLY WILDLY IN THE AIR. THE HENCHMAN JOINS HIS COHORTS ON THE FLOOR. THEY ARE ALL CRYING OUT IN AGONY, BLOODIED AND IN NEED OF IMMEDIATE MEDICAL ATTENTION.
BATMAN: *GROWLING* The girl, Joker. Now.
JOKER: Oh My God!
BATMAN: *GROWLING* The girl, Joker.
MISS GOTHAM CITY: I am so wet right now.
JOKER: What the.. how.. what is wrong with you! Oh my God! You don’t do that! you don’t kick people in the balls! who- what the hell! you cant— Good Christ man! Who are you?!?
BATMAN: *GROWLING* I am the night. The girl, Joker.
JOKER: I will have my revenge upon you! Next time, Batman!
JOKER RUNS TO THE BACK DOOR. BATMAN TAKES A HOOK OFF OF HIS UTILITY BELT AND THROWS IT AT THE JOKER. IT CATCHES HIS FOOT. JOKER FALLS TO THE FLOOR
BATMAN WALKS TO JOKER AND GRABS JOKER BY THE HAIR AND DRAGS HIM TO THE TABLE. HE SITS THE JOKER IN A CHAIR
JOKER: Aahh! Ok! Ok! Take her! Just leave me alone you lunatic!
BATMAN: *GROWLING* What did you call me?
JOKER: Call you? Woo-hahaha! It was a joke! get it? see, I’m the lunatic Batman! lock me up! Yes, yes, a joke! Woo-haha! get it? you see, I am the Joker, and I called you the lunatic! Woo-hahah! I am the Joker! I make jokes! woo-hahaNONONONONONONOOOO!!!!!
BATMAN SLAMS THE JOKERS HEAD AGAINST THE TABLE THREE TIMES, THEN, PICKS HIM UP AND THROWS HIM TO THE FLOOR, STOMPING ON HIS HEAD. BATMAN THEN PICKS UP THE BLOODIED AND LOUDLY SOBBING JOKER AND TIES HIM TO THE CHAIR
JOKER: *SOBBING* Please.. please, no more… I’m sorry.. don’t hurt me anymore.. I think I need an ambulance.. I can’t feel my legs…
BATMAN WALKS TO THE CAGE WHERE MISS GOTHAM CITY IS SITTING. HE UNTIES HER
BATMAN: *GROWLING* Are you hurt?
MISS GOTHAM CITY: Fuck me.
BATMAN: *GROWLING* You don’t have to thank me.
MISS GOTHAM CITY: No, seriously. Fuck me. Right here. Right now.
BATMAN: *GROWLING*: You’ll never have to thank me.
AS QUICKLY AS HE ENTERED, BATMAN LEAVES. MISS GOTHAM CITY STANDS AMONG THE BADLY BEATEN CRIMINALS. SHE LOOKS AT THE JOKER, WHO IS QUIETLY SOBBING AS HE STARES AT THE WALL. FEELING BOTH EXCITED AND UNSATISFIED, SHE REACHES INTO HER POCKET AND PULLS OUT HER CELL PHONE. SHE DIALS A NUMBER.
MISS GOTHAM CITY: Hello Alfred? Tell Bruce I’m coming right over.
As I am to so many moments in pop culture, I was late to the game in catching up with Season four of Arrested Development on Netflix.
I finally got around to binge watching the entire season last week.
I almost wish I hadn’t.
I discovered the original show years ago and was immediately hooked by the rapid fire jokes, the amazing acting, the convoluted story lines, and how refreshing it was to watch a comedy that didn’t require a laugh track to tell me when I was supposed to laugh.
It quickly became one of my all time favorite shows. I’m a huge fan of laughter in general. There’s room for slapstick, standup, hell, even tickling. But smart comedy is what I really dig. Comedy that makes you think. Comedy that has replay value. And the Bluth family had it all. Sitting in a room by yourself, laugh out loud funny. The show was, and is, wonderful, insane, and still hilarious.
Which made the season four experience all the more depressing. I understand that there were scheduling conflicts with the actors that changed the pacing of the show by making character driven episodes instead of the more ensemble approach. I also understand that the original show had some dark story lines, but that only added to the comedy’s shock value. Season four, however, got really dark. To the point of being cringeworthy. Disturbing, almost. It certainly had it’s moments, but for the most part the entire season felt like a parade of winks, nods, and callbacks to old jokes instead of concentrating on new ones.
I hear that season five is only a matter of when. And I’m cautiously optimistic that they took some lessons from season four and go back to a formula that works. I’m hopeful, because when you have writers and a cast who can pull off line like this on national TV, you are capable of anything.