Yeah, Really.

I may have a new favorite web site. During a session of random web surfing, I came across the site Overheard in Athens. The site is comprised of real life quotes that are overheard and submitted by those lucky enough to hear them. The quotes range from the hysterical to the surreal:

Drunk sorostitute: (as she’s being handcuffed and escorted to the paddywagon) Shotgun!

Bus driver: Attention passengers, the next stop is physics. If you got on at Tate and get off here, you will be beaten to death with stones.

Girl 1: (after Girl 2 gives some money to a homeless guy) Why’d you do that? You know he’s just gonna blow it on booze.

Girl 2: And we weren’t?

It’s nice to know that insane banter I overhear on New York subways is similar to the insane banter overheard on the streets of Athens. Well, mostly, but nowhere on the site did I hear the words “On your fucking head”. I hear that from time to time on the subway. Your guess is as good as mine.

DISPATCHES FROM a Lunatic chronicles the weekly adventures of a lunatic in his quest for fame, fortune and respect, all while working hard to not work at all.

This week’s adventure:

The Invention

*RING*

*RING*

*RING*

ME: This is Patrick.

LUNATIC: Hey.

ME: Oh! Hey..

LUNATIC: What are you doing?

ME: Working.

LUNATIC: So, I need a favor.

ME: How much?

LUNATIC: No, not that kind of favor. Listen, I need to you to go to the U.S. Patent site and do a search.

ME: For what?

LUNATIC: So, Listen. I have an idea that will make me a million dollars. I’ll cut you in if you do the research.

ME: *sigh* listen, I’m really busy…

LUNATIC: No, wait. This isn’t like the other times. This one can’t lose!

ME: You said that about the pants.

LUNATIC: Hey, how was I supposed to know that microwaves are dangerous to the testicles?

ME: So what is the idea?

LUNATIC: Ok. So, you know how people use sugar from packets for their coffee? You know what I am talking about?

ME: yeah…

LUNATIC: Have you ever used one of those?

ME: Once or twice.

LUNATIC: Did you ever drop one of those into your coffee while you were ripping it open?

ME: Umm. Maybe? Sure.

LUNATIC: Doesn’t that suck when you do that?

ME: Is there a point to this?

LUNATIC: Ok. Here’s my idea. Are you ready?

ME: Yes.

LUNATIC: Dissolvable sugar packets.

LUNATIC: Hello?

ME: Yeah.

LUNATIC: See, instead of ripping the packet open, you just toss the whole packet into the coffee.

ME: I see…

LUNATIC: See? This way, you save the step of having to rip open the sugar packet.

ME: Yeah. Lord knows that is a nightmare.

LUNATIC: So, I need you to search the U.S. Patent site to see if someone came up with this before, which I doubt, ‘cause it’s so fucking brilliant.

ME: Um, yeah, ok. Well, I will look into it. In the mean time, I need to get back to work.

LUNATIC: yeah, me too. Them dishes aint gonna wash themselves.

ME: By the way, isn’t this exactly what a sugar cube does?

LUNATIC: A sugar what?

ME: *CLICK*

Next Week

Onion Goggles

I have been watching Battlestar Galactica, the complete original series, on Netflix. I’m enjoying it immensely. If nobody unfollows me, calls me names, or gives me a virtual wedgie, I’m taking it as you all like me for who I am.

..and if you do, I’ll put liquid heat in your jock straps.

I am mesmerized by the Unfollow Bot. Every day I receive a report that tells me about the person (or people) who have made the conscious decision to perform the necessary mouse clicks needed to unfollow me. If I lose a bot it’s no big deal, but if I’m left by a real person I go through seven stages of twitter grief:

1. Shock and Denial: What?! 334! What the.. I was just at 336! Twitter must be having service issues again. That can’t be right. I’m going to read the service alerts. Let me check Favestar.

2. Pain and Guilt: Why did they go? Oh God, Was it that last poop joke? I know that poop is nasty, but it was trending! It’s not my fault! I didn’t mean to offend, but everyone was talking about it! I’m so sorry if you were eating while you were reading it!

3. Anger and bargaining: Fuck you! Yeah, stick around when the tweets are funny, and split at the first one you don’t understand! You sicken me, you simple minded fuck. Don’t you read the news? it’s topical humor, fuckwad! you never made me laugh anyway! ok, I’m so sorry.. I swear I’ll star your next five tweets! Ten! just come back! I swear, no more political humor, I swear!

4. Depression, Reflection and Loneliness: I’m closing my account. Nobody will care. I’ll never be as good as @sween, or that Tim what’s his name @badbanana guy. I just can’t keep any followers. They all get bored and leave eventually. I should probably take a writing class at the learning annex. Hell, I’ve always wanted to write something more meaningful anyway. I’ll have time for Weight Watchers meetings now! Why the hell was I here in the first place? God, I’m so fucking alone.

5. The Upward Turn: Shelly Ryan just followed me again! that’s six times now! and Brittany Fuck Vids never left! I mean, I know they’re bots, but someone real has to behind them. And they like me! Jean and Jenn think I’m funny! and look at that! Drunk_Bot just RT’d me!

6. Reconstruction and Working Through: OK, Obama is trending. Everyone is talking about his ears. You should mention that smug “look into the future” face he constantly has. It’s a different take on what everyone else is talking about, and the word “smug” is pretty funny. Remember, not everyone gets the eclectic tweet. Play to the crowd! and don’t mention poop.

7. Acceptance and Hope: Ok, I like this tweet. Others may not, but I think it’s worthy. I hope to get Favrd, but if I don’t, well, that’s ok. There’s an entire subculture of twitters that just write about their clothing choices for the day. I can make them laugh. I can make them laugh! Ok, ready? Spelling is ok? Funny words? Ironic twist? Go ahead, hit send. I think we’re gonna be ok.